Out of the clouds and back down to Earth

Yesterday while driving back from AIF, I was stopped at a light in Rye.  In front of me was a black SUV with plates that said RS FAN, and so I played with guessing what the RS stood for.. then noticed the bottom frame of the plate said STONES.. oh and the top ROLLING.. not so special except the Rolling Stones, "Get off of my Cloud" was playing on WFUV!!!  What were the chances of that happening!?
I was ready to follow them to tell them but didn't.. and it stayed with me. Wow. Synchronicity for sure and wondered about it.  I don't really recall John being a Stones fan although I do know he liked them.
Moving forward to yoga class, one with a lot of grounding involved. During Savasana, I felt a sensation at my left foot. I felt a presence and it felt as if John was caressing my foot.. a very sensual feeling. I felt him there and his love for me. It was a really strong feeling that made me feel good.. great.. loved.
Later, at home on the computer I see a video from a new "friend" on face book.. Susan is a mutual friend which is why I accepted his request.  The video was about being grounded and the research done about putting our feet on the ground. Bare feet helped to reduce inflammation and heal the body of pain.. point being Be GROUNDED!
Unable to sleep, I felt the message of the day to get my head out of the clouds and get grounded, do the Saturn and here I am home.. ready to do just that.
Get to that pile of papers.
Grateful for the messages, my love.
I love you.

Do your Saturn

John's passing has caused me to rediscover who I am and what I want to do. Really, how do I want to bring more joy into my life.. this fleeting life.
I joined an online astrology lecture series.  I love astrology and find it interesting that my last post here had to do with Saturn!!  Saturn is now in Capricorn in my 4th house, the house of my foundation, my home, roots and that house has seen the endings of much of what I hold dear. The selling and destruction of my childhood home and the passing of John, my comfort, and my "home".
I know all things change and it's not like I didn't know it was coming...
What I didn't know was how I was going to feel about it all.
Like the house gone.. an empty hole.. there is an empty hole in my heart that I try to fill.
I fill it with memory. Work. Study. More time in the gallery. More time doing art. Teaching classes.
More time for me. It feels foreign.
I'm so used to doing for others, I lacked the "me" time. Even sleep became a need I couldn't always fill.
So now.. it is time.
I begin a new life.
I begin new projects, new studies, new classes.  I am open to recreate myself, my environment as well. Redoing the apartment, the gallery and finding how to restructure myself to "do my Saturn".. those things I don't like doing.. taxes in particular and the paperwork that goes along those same veins.
And so my new journey begins...

Saturn's return

As I was writing this morning, it dawned on my how some recent events have been something that have come around.. more like a spiral, but here it is again.
Saturn return most likely has something to do with it.
Saturn returns to it's birthpoint about 29 years and it most likely is around that time that I was teaching a young child art in her home. We made all sorts of things, dolls, painting, etc. and now today I will be teaching her daughters.
Yesterday, I bought 2 boxes of beads and findings from someone and about 29 years ago, I bought all of Rye Art's beads and findings. Ha.. wonder what else the circle of life has to show me with this.
It's life's big mandala.. here I am in the center watching the world go round and round, stopping at interesting places, some which are familiar and some brand new.
All of it exciting though.
This passage, I feel more prepared though, or maybe just more confident, adjusted to life's surprises.
I'm more aware of stuff like this.
More aware of life's messages in the small details of life.
I'm grateful.
I'm more open.
I feel more love.
When we pay attention to these cycles, they can teach us something important.. We've been here before, and now we get a chance to do it again.. maybe this time with more awareness and better prepared and with more love in our hearts.

Virgo rising and what's around the corner.. an opening

VIRGO [Aug 23 - Sep 22]

With your ruler Mercury moving forward again life will feel to have a way of sorting itself out. Everything that was turned upside down can stand right side up which includes certain setbacks in some key connections where some strong and consistent communication became necessary to ensure you were on the same page. What stands out the most this week is the movement of planets into Aries in your house of the Soul. This will deepen your desire to stay true to course which involves making choices that support your natural path. On Monday, March 25, Mars, the planet of desire, will align effortlessly with Jupiter, the planet of prosperity and opportunity in your house of career. A key door is soon to open, one that will lead you further down the yellow brick road.

A breakthrough that brings a rush of excitement and relief is days away!                                                                                           

Virgo as rising sign.. liking this :-)

Putting back the pieces

I haven't blogged in a very long time.  Because of some glitchy stuff with computers, I ended up with too many blogs as well... but I hold on to them anyway.  This blog was about keeping some sort of balance.. between work and play or just with emotions.  How does one maintain the steady peaceful calm when circumstances throw one around... up and down on an emotional roller coaster!
I know we shouldn't let outside circumstance, other people's behavior and all that stuff play us.. but they do. We forget.  We work harder to switch from grumpy, moody, weepy negativity to being ok again.
We are lucky when it happens easily, quickly.. and then there are those times when we just get hammered!
Like lately.. one thing after another and added to it was political tensions around, toilets overflowing, power outages, lose of money from canceled classes, deaths, lack of "free" time and on and on and then the straw.. yup that straw.. broken pottery.
MELT DOWN.
Turn it around.
I learned that Native American weavers purposely put in a flaw into their work.. this is where spirit comes in.
And thus was born the spirit bowl.  Upcycled bowls, a reminder that there is no perfection, that we can see endless possibilities, that we can pick ourselves up and get back on track, rethink the situation.
Today, this spirit bowl sold.  It is filled with gems, a hawk feather and hope.

Balance

I am amazed at how quickly and often I can be thrown off balance. My answer to this recurring observation is to bring my attention back to yoga. Two new books arrived yesterday, bringing my awareness to this lack... and so we begin again.

There is always time to begin again, bring us back to beginner's mind.

It is with everything that needs this attention. Back to my whole way of being.. balancing the time I give to work, which has been over tipping here, with time for art and play. The balance I give between the giving and time for renewal of self.

Is my left balanced with my right.. a question I will continue to ask myself through out the day and weeks ahead.

Namaste'

Completing the circle

BALSAMIC PHASE

The power of the world always works in circles, and everything tries to be round…the sky is round, and…the earth is round like a ball, and so are the stars. The wind, in its greatest power, whirls. Birds make their nests in circles, for theirs is the same religion as ours. The sun comes forth and goes down again in a circle. The moon does the same, and both are round. Even the seasons form a great circle in their changing, and always come back again to where they were. The life of a person is a circle from childhood to childhood, and so it is in everything where power moves.- Black Elk

Winding down with the cycle of the moon. Time to rest. I did so much cleaning and reorganizing and my eyes show proof of it! Puffy, swollen but worth the effort. I smile every time I look into the room.

This will help me to move into a new phase. I've been making more cards and will continue with them until I have enough to present them.

I have the painting to work on as well. Loose ends. Finish up some stuff and then prepare for some newness... I feel good. Our home feels good.

Surrounded by love

Notice how you can get through just about anything as long as you are surrounded by love. Life comes at us hard at times.. and I wonder how I would have coped if I did not have the support that love provides. For this I am deeply grateful. Maybe this is it.. this is what it's all about. Our life's lesson. If I dwell in this pool of love, the ripples that expand outwards may touch others.. and through enough rippling effects we can help create greater change. sending you love.....

Your love brings me here

Your Love Lights me up.

This past year has been a long lesson on attitude and thought shifting.

"The Universe is energy that responds to expectation." This quote from Cherly Janecky.

What do I expect from life and what am I willing to do to receive it..

believe in it.

Act as if it's a done deal!

Expect it.

Expect miracles.

Eliminate all doubts.

But most importantly, stay tuned into love..

herein lies the magic

and the miracles

of life.

Having love surround me brings me into a space that equals nothing else.

Not money nor time can bring the me to a space of bliss as love does,

sharing love, giving love

being love.

Trail of Love

Finally spending more time in the art room. As I sit and paint or doodle, I make some notes on how this space can work more efficiently. I still have supplies tucked deep into the closet and I still need some shelving for materials that need to be more accessible.
Thought about the rug too and a need for something to cover it.. another thin cheap rug so as not to get any paint on it.
I've been playing around with cards.. taking what I have, altering the image a bit and printing the image on cards to send... leave a little love in the mail... and possibly have some for the show.
Started a canvas today too. It's been so love since I've painted on canvas and it feels great!
I did some smaller works with some water colors, but it's in a journal, and I need some art for the show...mandalas and assemblages. I won't have a lot of wall space, so I will have mostly assemblages or small mandalas.
Most importantly, it gives me the motivation to give myself equal time for creating. I lose my balance when I don't allow myself this time. I have to give it to myself and only I can do that.. I cannot wait for others to say, Hey, why don't you go home or into your studio to create.. John comes closest to doing this, I must say, but although I hear comments about how much is on my plate, I don't hear anyone say, go, do something for yourself.. I'll take care of this.
Although, on Thursday when my sweet brother said he'd take the wheelchair down the stairs.. I caught myself... I covered my mouth so those words.. "oh, that's ok, I'll do it" wouldn't come out of my mouth... "why thank you!" YES! and I laughed and we discussed taking advantage of an opportunity for help.
Why is it that I am comfortable helping, but not so much being helped and I do want help... yes! I do need it at times and still find it hard to ask.
Where in the world does that come from (MOM)??!!??
Independence is something that is cherished. My mom had the hardest time when she realized she had lost some of it and needed to rely on others for help. It depressed her for a while, but I told her, it was her time... all the things she did for us, raising 5 kids.. she deserved to be helped!
She's ok with this now, with some frustration flaring up once in a while.
Here too is balance.. although she thinks it is I who am taking care of her, she is there for me as well.. me and John. There to listen to me, to him, and that is something I needed so badly this past year.. I so appreciate her. I'm glad I can be there for her.
I'm glad I'm here for John.. the process of healing goes so much better when one is surrounded by love.
So, as best I can, I leave a trail of love behind me.
Grateful I can be there and help.
I refill the well with time for me and my art.
Love heals.
Art heals.

Breaking Free

I didn't get to sit and make a mandala until late in the day. I could have easily watched TV if there were something worth watching, but nope... how could there be so many channels with absolutely NOTHING good on any of them!
But maybe that is a good thing, because it's better I go and create... and that's what I did.
I found that I didn't like where this mandala was going and actually thought it to be ugly and that I was screwing it up. This is rare that I find myself thinking this, but I did notice that they were a lot of judgemental thoughts going on inside my head... stuff that the day brought, disappointments, etc. I was releasing it onto the paper.
It was after most of the mandala was finished when my thoughts had shifted and I began to read it's message.
Breaking free from what chains me to the past.. past behaviours, bad habits, unconscious behaviors that stay with us from our childhood, behaviours we pick up from our parents.
This has been coming to the surface lately. My "reactions" that are habitual and are in need of changing... releasing myself from them, knowing that I can grow from here into a different way of being.. not reacting, but responding in a more spiritual way.
So, in my perspective of all of it, I can see what I don't like being mirrored back to me. Not appreciating behaviours I see "out there" and knowing that it is something I do not like in myself.. I have been there, I have done that very same thing.. I have been that inconsiderate, irresponsible and I do not like that I've been there and try hard not to do it again. It's showing up in "the mirror" - in others and I get it.
How I respond to this is what I need to deal with. Speak my truth, how I feel... instead of holding it in, the mother influence. Silence.
Silence doesn't upset the "apple cart"... doesn't keep the peace. What it DOES do is make one sick. This silence that sits inside, festering, hurting speaks to us in our body.
Sore throats, laryngitis.. the body speaks.
We need to listen.
I need to break free from those chains, those old outworn behaviours.
Release it and let it go.. spin it out, send it out into the atmosphere - high into the sky.. shooting it into the sky like Saggitarius' arrows... gone.
New moon, I welcome you.

Being Open and Giving Thanks

I have grown so much this past year. It was a very challenging year and I'm in the belief that those are the times when we do grow.. if we stay open, we learn more.
And that has been one of my lessons, to stay open. Open to possibilities. Once resistance sets in, things become hard, irritating and the inner 2 year old tantrum wants to come out. So, instead, I have learned there is always light in something dark.
We live in a world of duality, the balance of life which brings us light and dark. One cannot be without the other, so therefore, I look for the blessings in the challenges..
I know you're somewhere...
Sometimes it takes a while to show up.. or in reality, it takes a while for me to find it.
Each new day, I pray to stay open and received it's blessings.
Finding new friendships, receiving help with out me having to ask (which I hate to do).
Knowing people are thinking of me when I've been so quiet.. Thanks Laura :-)


I am fully aware of all that I have to give thanks for. This new home we absolutely LOVE! Surrounded by so much beauty.. sunsets, moon rises.. autumn leaves and ART. My husbands art, my art, children's art.
I see where I was, which felt like the bottom of the wheel in April and May and it gently turned .. John's health improving, growing stronger, happier. Today he is in the hospital recovering from surgery.. I'm grateful he had gained his strength for this day. Grateful surgery went well and this one issue will be resolved for him. It is a good day. It is a day to give thanks for all of it, but also not to stop giving thanks.
It is a constant prayer. Thank you. Thank you.
I am here, in this game of life, and I am happily playing. One thing I know is that we all win. We all get a chance to play however we choose.
I choose to play the blessing piece, the piece that carries love openly, shares it, and is open to new blessings.
May you have an endless number of blessing...
Namaste'

Chaos alert!

I think I need to start recording this with photos. There was a moment of chaos today, but I stopped and put some "stuff" in order and I felt better. I need to keep a handle on all this and not let it get out of control... and I can see that it can - very quickly!

More boxes packed today.. some photo albums, my portfolio, some art supplies.. but the day was cut up too much with other obligations.

tomorrow is another day. I drop John off at the hospital and will come home to work on the living room... behind the chair.. in the closet....oooooh, scary... haven't been in there in a very long time. My paintings are there and supplies. They've become so inaccessible that I cannot imagine the dust!

I've packed up some art work that other people have done from RR's. The metal project is one of my favorites, but art dolls and some other art journals too.

I put some clothes in a bag for goodwill or the thrift shop.. some books went to the library, but they won't take any more... lack of room.

I found some paint which is still good and I'll use for living room and dining room. Have the bedroom paint as well, but I am not sure about the art room.

This I really need to think about and of course that is the first room available for me to paint.

It's an east window... facing the back, and only one window.. it's also the "fame and reputation" center which calls for red but no way will I paint a room red... especially an art room.

I'll have to sleep on it and then visit the paint store tomorrow.

Today was the last day of camp and "coincidentally" the call came to say they would most likely be moved out by the 24th... which means we can pretty safely say we'll be moved in for Sept. 1.

The last two days have been good with everything coming together, flowing and moving toward a positive direction. Information coming to us that we had been waiting for.

Movement towards.

It is hard to wait.. wait for the next step, but it all has it's place.

Waiting teaches us patience but also teaches us to trust.

Trust the process. The timing of events happens in it's own course. Not my will, but Thine!

The ebb and flow of movement, like the phases of the moon. Sometimes it is time to wait, to rest, to plan... then to see the movement, the growth, just like watching the new moon waxing.

It teaches me. I learn to accept, to allow. I am more comfortable being the one to give, take care of but I am now receiving the help from others. Accept it. Allow the gifts, the help.. it is the greater ebb and flow.. I give. I receive. It is a blessing I am learning to accept graciously.

It is an odd role for me. "oh, no.. that's ok, I'll do it...." and why - why did I always feel I must carry on the weight with out asking for help. It is not a familiar role for me to ask anyone for help.. and now, I have not asked, but am being offered. That is why the feels more like a gift from the Universe.. special people, like angels - offering help in many forms.

I am grateful.

Tomorrow starts the serious packing. Knowing there is a better chance of this move occurring before the end of the month, I can get myself in gear. Motivation!

I am feeling very blessed.

Tomorrow, I work in the art room.

view point

One of the reasons I like to mindlessly doodle in these circles, is to allow what ever comes up on the page, to speak to me.. me speaking to myself.
Higher Self to this everyday self who tries to keep it all together.
It also came out of me after I bought a brand new sketchbook and having a ridiculous argument with my husband. There are times I just lose it, get so frustrated with the issue of communicating that my tone of voice betrays me.
I cannot speak so I go to the mandala, the doodle or clean.
Like this "zendala", there are differing points of view. Once I finish, I like turning it around to see it from a different perspective - much easier to do on paper than in a relationship at times :-)
One view I see houses, on water -emotional waves, calm to stormy- underneath the stars... and with the heavens carrying on their own magic. That magic we tend to forget.
From a different perspective, those houses are the rays of the sun transforming life. From crawling, cocooning to spreading my wings.. buzzing through life.. trying to hold on too tightly until my inner self tells me to let go.. just let go!
Go have a picnic!
It's all a matter of perspective. I try not to slide back into the fear-zone, allow my eyes to see the magic in all of life, the spiritual awakening of each blessing.. that we live on the planet - in our bodies - which is just so totally amazing! Embrace the wonder of it.
That is the perspective I wish to stay with, not the small, frustrated "please listen to what I am saying" self that needs to be right. I do wish to be understood, but I also realize that package needs to come with patience.
I need to remember to turn the page and see with new eyes.

Being present with the process

While packing up the books.. choosing what to keep and what to release, I am for the most part being with the process. When I step back, look at the bigger picture, panic surfaces.. but I know it is a process, and I need to take it one step at a time.
I set free one bookcase this evening.
I got stuck on the stairway, and thankfully Patty came home and helped me getting to the garbage.
I did it.
Now boxes are stacked in it's place. I need more boxes so it's time to rest.
I feel good though. Some of the books are going to the children's center, and some I'm bringing to camp.
Once the books are done, which will take a while.. I'll start in with the art room.
I packed up a box of albums. Some of these I am not ready to part with and I'm not sure why. I feel they need a really good home if they are to leave.... either that or find a record player :-)
Some crappy albums I've used for art. Children collaged on them for a show and I've created mandalas on others. But there are some album covers that are art in themselves!
It is a baby step, but I am moving forward.
One book - a gem- is called A Lazy Man's Guide to Enlightenment and found it to be perfect timing for me to read it.
Love all of it. Love each moment and if you don't like where you are, love yourself for being in that state of mind... it's all about loving it. Loving yourself and loving that we are here for the journey.. I mean after all.. it's just a glorious journey of ups and downs.. and you just have to enjoy the ride for what it is. Even the sorrows, love that you can feel them.
So, that is my challenge. To Be Here Now.. enjoy it for what it is and not get so crazy about it.
Tomorrow, more boxes.

A month to move

How can I make this fun and at the same time record, analyze this process and to be sure I keep my balance with all that is going on. I'll have to post some pictures during this mad process - but for now i need to just write.

I have lived here for 33 years.. same apartment.. small. Four rooms and pretty much packed with stuff ... art stuff and books take up most of the space.

Art stuff includes art supplies for myself, art supplies for the classes I teach and art work I have created - both mine and my husbands.

Being that it is a small space, I created shelving. Both beds were built by me and my husband. They are like decks and actually, that's where I got the idea from. My mom was having a deck built and I followed that same process. It's about 4 ft. high and worked really well for storage underneath. I followed it up by building one for Jake... only this time I tried doing it myself.. the impatient part of myself soon learned it wasn't the best idea, but I did it anyway.

Once Jake moved out, his bed became a table to work on and being that it was against the wall, it seemed reasonable that shelves would soon follow.. up to the ceiling... and of course, great storage underneath.

Besides the two beds, other shelves were built for books. Many, many books. John seems to think a good 60% of all our stuff is books and I think I may have to agree.. at least 60%.

And that's were I started.

Day one:

Packing books.

The Virgo rising part of me knew there would have to be some organizing I'd have to do with this.. sorting them into categories. This way art books can go into the art room, my astrology, yoga and spirituality books into the bedroom... I have two full (and heavy) boxes with just yoga books and there are probably enough to fill another box. Not sure what to do with all the yoga magazines yet.

Art books get divided into teaching children, art instruction, art/spirituality and there is a tower of them so far.

Novels are easy enough to let go of...not so much these other books.

I still have my first copy of Be Here Now by Ram Dass!

So, this is day one. The idea of today was to empty one bookcase in the bedroom and get rid of the book case which I built to make some room to stack these boxes.

What I keep in sight is how we will have more space in this new place, and that keeps me motivated. A new art room to set up....

and now - back to work.

walk the path of love..

My path has become very cluttered. I feel a sense of overwhelm when I keep looking at everything that needs to be done... Not really feeling like doing any of it. It becomes too much.
What makes it worse is more keeps getting added to that which still needs to be done and well... it sure doesn't help..it builds and builds and then...
I cry.
So I go to where I need to go. Pick one thing. What is the most immediate thing I think needs to get done first? You'd think that would make most sense...Doesn't always happen that way.
What needs to get done first is the attitude adjustment. I pick up a book and I get my answer.. how to deal with negative moods. I like what he says.. coincidence?
Then I get up and follow my instincts.. air conditioner is behaving badly so I need to move stuff out of the way. Sheesh. I realized how much I really need to clean, so I just do it. Don't think. Just do it. May need a new one..
It gets done... or at least the beginng of it. Now move forward one step at a time.
What can I do with love?
What will bring me the best feeling.. go there.
click and you'll see my laces have "love" on them.. it is a constant reminder that where ever I go and what ever I do, I will try to travel there with my heart filled with love.
Maybe I just need to sweat out all these toxic thoughts and attitudes :-)

clouds illusions

While lying on my back on a very large tree stump, I watched clouds go by. It was mostly blue sky, and having the clouds come and give some relief of the suns rays was perfect.
Later on though, at the Esopus, I was taking pictures of some cool views beneath the water. What I hadn't noticed until later while looking at the images in the camera, were the clouds on the surface of the water. I noticed what looked like an animal walking upside down.
Well, I read messages in everything else - so why not the clouds as well :-)
Reminds me of Judy Collins singing about clouds illusions... I really don't know clouds at all.
I will take more time to though.

When things shift

Things have become more stabilized here - a very good thing that I am deeply appreciative of. We took a walk to the Wainwright house last week. Our intention was to go to the beach, but it was closed off with a gate - something new and annoying. It bothers me that we are cut off from access to the water and when it is open, we have to pay to go there. How does Rye get to own the water?

But as chance would have it, a good and fortunate chance, we went to the Wainwright instead. A good choice as the sun came out and it was so peaceful there. I walked the labyrinth and John took a walk down to the water. Yes, access to the water for free.

Water is a healing element that is good for John.

We sat for awhile on a bench just taking it all in. One of the women working there came over to take some photos for the newsletter. Turns out she coordinates the art shows there and we will be bringing in our work to be considered for exhibiting.

It was a good day.

The labyrinth is created by hedges of lavender... smells so delightful.
Much of the chaos has shifted into a more ease and flow.
I have been slowly packing up books into catagories.
I picked up the violin to paint again yesterday, hoping to finish it and get it to my client soon so I can wrap things up before camp starts.
I am desiring to have this summer to be a simple as possible.
No new jobs to add to an already busy schedule.
Simple.
Easy.