view point

One of the reasons I like to mindlessly doodle in these circles, is to allow what ever comes up on the page, to speak to me.. me speaking to myself.
Higher Self to this everyday self who tries to keep it all together.
It also came out of me after I bought a brand new sketchbook and having a ridiculous argument with my husband. There are times I just lose it, get so frustrated with the issue of communicating that my tone of voice betrays me.
I cannot speak so I go to the mandala, the doodle or clean.
Like this "zendala", there are differing points of view. Once I finish, I like turning it around to see it from a different perspective - much easier to do on paper than in a relationship at times :-)
One view I see houses, on water -emotional waves, calm to stormy- underneath the stars... and with the heavens carrying on their own magic. That magic we tend to forget.
From a different perspective, those houses are the rays of the sun transforming life. From crawling, cocooning to spreading my wings.. buzzing through life.. trying to hold on too tightly until my inner self tells me to let go.. just let go!
Go have a picnic!
It's all a matter of perspective. I try not to slide back into the fear-zone, allow my eyes to see the magic in all of life, the spiritual awakening of each blessing.. that we live on the planet - in our bodies - which is just so totally amazing! Embrace the wonder of it.
That is the perspective I wish to stay with, not the small, frustrated "please listen to what I am saying" self that needs to be right. I do wish to be understood, but I also realize that package needs to come with patience.
I need to remember to turn the page and see with new eyes.

Being present with the process

While packing up the books.. choosing what to keep and what to release, I am for the most part being with the process. When I step back, look at the bigger picture, panic surfaces.. but I know it is a process, and I need to take it one step at a time.
I set free one bookcase this evening.
I got stuck on the stairway, and thankfully Patty came home and helped me getting to the garbage.
I did it.
Now boxes are stacked in it's place. I need more boxes so it's time to rest.
I feel good though. Some of the books are going to the children's center, and some I'm bringing to camp.
Once the books are done, which will take a while.. I'll start in with the art room.
I packed up a box of albums. Some of these I am not ready to part with and I'm not sure why. I feel they need a really good home if they are to leave.... either that or find a record player :-)
Some crappy albums I've used for art. Children collaged on them for a show and I've created mandalas on others. But there are some album covers that are art in themselves!
It is a baby step, but I am moving forward.
One book - a gem- is called A Lazy Man's Guide to Enlightenment and found it to be perfect timing for me to read it.
Love all of it. Love each moment and if you don't like where you are, love yourself for being in that state of mind... it's all about loving it. Loving yourself and loving that we are here for the journey.. I mean after all.. it's just a glorious journey of ups and downs.. and you just have to enjoy the ride for what it is. Even the sorrows, love that you can feel them.
So, that is my challenge. To Be Here Now.. enjoy it for what it is and not get so crazy about it.
Tomorrow, more boxes.

A month to move

How can I make this fun and at the same time record, analyze this process and to be sure I keep my balance with all that is going on. I'll have to post some pictures during this mad process - but for now i need to just write.

I have lived here for 33 years.. same apartment.. small. Four rooms and pretty much packed with stuff ... art stuff and books take up most of the space.

Art stuff includes art supplies for myself, art supplies for the classes I teach and art work I have created - both mine and my husbands.

Being that it is a small space, I created shelving. Both beds were built by me and my husband. They are like decks and actually, that's where I got the idea from. My mom was having a deck built and I followed that same process. It's about 4 ft. high and worked really well for storage underneath. I followed it up by building one for Jake... only this time I tried doing it myself.. the impatient part of myself soon learned it wasn't the best idea, but I did it anyway.

Once Jake moved out, his bed became a table to work on and being that it was against the wall, it seemed reasonable that shelves would soon follow.. up to the ceiling... and of course, great storage underneath.

Besides the two beds, other shelves were built for books. Many, many books. John seems to think a good 60% of all our stuff is books and I think I may have to agree.. at least 60%.

And that's were I started.

Day one:

Packing books.

The Virgo rising part of me knew there would have to be some organizing I'd have to do with this.. sorting them into categories. This way art books can go into the art room, my astrology, yoga and spirituality books into the bedroom... I have two full (and heavy) boxes with just yoga books and there are probably enough to fill another box. Not sure what to do with all the yoga magazines yet.

Art books get divided into teaching children, art instruction, art/spirituality and there is a tower of them so far.

Novels are easy enough to let go of...not so much these other books.

I still have my first copy of Be Here Now by Ram Dass!

So, this is day one. The idea of today was to empty one bookcase in the bedroom and get rid of the book case which I built to make some room to stack these boxes.

What I keep in sight is how we will have more space in this new place, and that keeps me motivated. A new art room to set up....

and now - back to work.

walk the path of love..

My path has become very cluttered. I feel a sense of overwhelm when I keep looking at everything that needs to be done... Not really feeling like doing any of it. It becomes too much.
What makes it worse is more keeps getting added to that which still needs to be done and well... it sure doesn't help..it builds and builds and then...
I cry.
So I go to where I need to go. Pick one thing. What is the most immediate thing I think needs to get done first? You'd think that would make most sense...Doesn't always happen that way.
What needs to get done first is the attitude adjustment. I pick up a book and I get my answer.. how to deal with negative moods. I like what he says.. coincidence?
Then I get up and follow my instincts.. air conditioner is behaving badly so I need to move stuff out of the way. Sheesh. I realized how much I really need to clean, so I just do it. Don't think. Just do it. May need a new one..
It gets done... or at least the beginng of it. Now move forward one step at a time.
What can I do with love?
What will bring me the best feeling.. go there.
click and you'll see my laces have "love" on them.. it is a constant reminder that where ever I go and what ever I do, I will try to travel there with my heart filled with love.
Maybe I just need to sweat out all these toxic thoughts and attitudes :-)

clouds illusions

While lying on my back on a very large tree stump, I watched clouds go by. It was mostly blue sky, and having the clouds come and give some relief of the suns rays was perfect.
Later on though, at the Esopus, I was taking pictures of some cool views beneath the water. What I hadn't noticed until later while looking at the images in the camera, were the clouds on the surface of the water. I noticed what looked like an animal walking upside down.
Well, I read messages in everything else - so why not the clouds as well :-)
Reminds me of Judy Collins singing about clouds illusions... I really don't know clouds at all.
I will take more time to though.

When things shift

Things have become more stabilized here - a very good thing that I am deeply appreciative of. We took a walk to the Wainwright house last week. Our intention was to go to the beach, but it was closed off with a gate - something new and annoying. It bothers me that we are cut off from access to the water and when it is open, we have to pay to go there. How does Rye get to own the water?

But as chance would have it, a good and fortunate chance, we went to the Wainwright instead. A good choice as the sun came out and it was so peaceful there. I walked the labyrinth and John took a walk down to the water. Yes, access to the water for free.

Water is a healing element that is good for John.

We sat for awhile on a bench just taking it all in. One of the women working there came over to take some photos for the newsletter. Turns out she coordinates the art shows there and we will be bringing in our work to be considered for exhibiting.

It was a good day.

The labyrinth is created by hedges of lavender... smells so delightful.
Much of the chaos has shifted into a more ease and flow.
I have been slowly packing up books into catagories.
I picked up the violin to paint again yesterday, hoping to finish it and get it to my client soon so I can wrap things up before camp starts.
I am desiring to have this summer to be a simple as possible.
No new jobs to add to an already busy schedule.
Simple.
Easy.

web of life

I was half expecting a pause... a breathing space for a while, but life had other plans. With mercury Rx I guess it is a 'redo' of what had not been accomplished with John's last visit to the hospital.. We also figured he needed to take care of his mom's passing.. His mom passed away last month while he was in the hospital being treated for low sodium levels. His abdomen was filled with fluid and they "talked" about tapping him but didn't.
And now it is being dealt with. I can't stand stagnation! After his last visit to the hospital, he seemed to get worse, building more fluid in his abdomen. I didn't like the way he was moving around and worried about his breathing..
It was a good call on my part. They are doing an ultrasound this morning first and most likely will tap him, drain the fluid. They do it a little at a time.
Movement.... moving forward.
After the hospital, I went to my mom's and ate and filled them in on what was going on. I have been thinking more about what my brother had gone through with Kathi. I have even more compassion for him and what it must have felt like. I asked if he cried a lot. I do.
Yesterday I spent the morning crying and then said, "we need to go and deal with it!"
I tend to doubt myself with decisions like this and with J asking for $, I went over the edge. I'm not so sure why.. beside the fact that I let things build in me emotionally and then I burst open -opening the flood gates!
I chose this mandala because, like a spider web, we are all connected. At some point in every one's life, a person gets sick, someone loses a job, someone we love leaves this plane... When it happens to us and we know it, experience it, we can be compassionate towards others when it happens to them. We can go to others to see how they have dealt with it. There is a sense of family then.. wider than our own intimate family.. the family of earth widens.
My heart opens more to those who have been through tragic situations, feeling more compassion for them when I have had it happen to me... but I feel compassion expands in other ways as well.
Once compassion grows, expands outwards, it doesn't stop...it pens up more to others even if I haven't experienced what they are going through. Once your heart opens, it keeps opening until you decide to close it. It hurts when we keep it open too wide and we do tend to close down for self protection... going deeper within the web rather than on the outside circumference.
I see myself going in and out of it, and for most of my life, I stayed more toward the center. As I get older, I see myself moving out towards the edge, pulling back in every so often.
I don't wear my heart on my sleeve and tend to be a more private person. I become amazed at others deep expression and how open they can be and then I gather in that same courage. I then am able to let more of myself out.. move more towards the edge.
We all need one another. It is a web of life and we are all connected. We cannot live this life with passion by removing ourselves from it's sorrows, afraid of the pain, turning in on our self... but rather find comfort in others, compassion.. giving and receiving it.
Breathing in and breathing out... a deep breath.. breathe in life.