Monday, May 3, 2010

web of life

I was half expecting a pause... a breathing space for a while, but life had other plans. With mercury Rx I guess it is a 'redo' of what had not been accomplished with John's last visit to the hospital.. We also figured he needed to take care of his mom's passing.. His mom passed away last month while he was in the hospital being treated for low sodium levels. His abdomen was filled with fluid and they "talked" about tapping him but didn't.
And now it is being dealt with. I can't stand stagnation! After his last visit to the hospital, he seemed to get worse, building more fluid in his abdomen. I didn't like the way he was moving around and worried about his breathing..
It was a good call on my part. They are doing an ultrasound this morning first and most likely will tap him, drain the fluid. They do it a little at a time.
Movement.... moving forward.
After the hospital, I went to my mom's and ate and filled them in on what was going on. I have been thinking more about what my brother had gone through with Kathi. I have even more compassion for him and what it must have felt like. I asked if he cried a lot. I do.
Yesterday I spent the morning crying and then said, "we need to go and deal with it!"
I tend to doubt myself with decisions like this and with J asking for $, I went over the edge. I'm not so sure why.. beside the fact that I let things build in me emotionally and then I burst open -opening the flood gates!
I chose this mandala because, like a spider web, we are all connected. At some point in every one's life, a person gets sick, someone loses a job, someone we love leaves this plane... When it happens to us and we know it, experience it, we can be compassionate towards others when it happens to them. We can go to others to see how they have dealt with it. There is a sense of family then.. wider than our own intimate family.. the family of earth widens.
My heart opens more to those who have been through tragic situations, feeling more compassion for them when I have had it happen to me... but I feel compassion expands in other ways as well.
Once compassion grows, expands outwards, it doesn't pens up more to others even if I haven't experienced what they are going through. Once your heart opens, it keeps opening until you decide to close it. It hurts when we keep it open too wide and we do tend to close down for self protection... going deeper within the web rather than on the outside circumference.
I see myself going in and out of it, and for most of my life, I stayed more toward the center. As I get older, I see myself moving out towards the edge, pulling back in every so often.
I don't wear my heart on my sleeve and tend to be a more private person. I become amazed at others deep expression and how open they can be and then I gather in that same courage. I then am able to let more of myself out.. move more towards the edge.
We all need one another. It is a web of life and we are all connected. We cannot live this life with passion by removing ourselves from it's sorrows, afraid of the pain, turning in on our self... but rather find comfort in others, compassion.. giving and receiving it.
Breathing in and breathing out... a deep breath.. breathe in life.