Saturday, December 18, 2010

Trail of Love

Finally spending more time in the art room. As I sit and paint or doodle, I make some notes on how this space can work more efficiently. I still have supplies tucked deep into the closet and I still need some shelving for materials that need to be more accessible.
Thought about the rug too and a need for something to cover it.. another thin cheap rug so as not to get any paint on it.
I've been playing around with cards.. taking what I have, altering the image a bit and printing the image on cards to send... leave a little love in the mail... and possibly have some for the show.
Started a canvas today too. It's been so love since I've painted on canvas and it feels great!
I did some smaller works with some water colors, but it's in a journal, and I need some art for the show...mandalas and assemblages. I won't have a lot of wall space, so I will have mostly assemblages or small mandalas.
Most importantly, it gives me the motivation to give myself equal time for creating. I lose my balance when I don't allow myself this time. I have to give it to myself and only I can do that.. I cannot wait for others to say, Hey, why don't you go home or into your studio to create.. John comes closest to doing this, I must say, but although I hear comments about how much is on my plate, I don't hear anyone say, go, do something for yourself.. I'll take care of this.
Although, on Thursday when my sweet brother said he'd take the wheelchair down the stairs.. I caught myself... I covered my mouth so those words.. "oh, that's ok, I'll do it" wouldn't come out of my mouth... "why thank you!" YES! and I laughed and we discussed taking advantage of an opportunity for help.
Why is it that I am comfortable helping, but not so much being helped and I do want help... yes! I do need it at times and still find it hard to ask.
Where in the world does that come from (MOM)??!!??
Independence is something that is cherished. My mom had the hardest time when she realized she had lost some of it and needed to rely on others for help. It depressed her for a while, but I told her, it was her time... all the things she did for us, raising 5 kids.. she deserved to be helped!
She's ok with this now, with some frustration flaring up once in a while.
Here too is balance.. although she thinks it is I who am taking care of her, she is there for me as well.. me and John. There to listen to me, to him, and that is something I needed so badly this past year.. I so appreciate her. I'm glad I can be there for her.
I'm glad I'm here for John.. the process of healing goes so much better when one is surrounded by love.
So, as best I can, I leave a trail of love behind me.
Grateful I can be there and help.
I refill the well with time for me and my art.
Love heals.
Art heals.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Breaking Free

I didn't get to sit and make a mandala until late in the day. I could have easily watched TV if there were something worth watching, but nope... how could there be so many channels with absolutely NOTHING good on any of them!
But maybe that is a good thing, because it's better I go and create... and that's what I did.
I found that I didn't like where this mandala was going and actually thought it to be ugly and that I was screwing it up. This is rare that I find myself thinking this, but I did notice that they were a lot of judgemental thoughts going on inside my head... stuff that the day brought, disappointments, etc. I was releasing it onto the paper.
It was after most of the mandala was finished when my thoughts had shifted and I began to read it's message.
Breaking free from what chains me to the past.. past behaviours, bad habits, unconscious behaviors that stay with us from our childhood, behaviours we pick up from our parents.
This has been coming to the surface lately. My "reactions" that are habitual and are in need of changing... releasing myself from them, knowing that I can grow from here into a different way of being.. not reacting, but responding in a more spiritual way.
So, in my perspective of all of it, I can see what I don't like being mirrored back to me. Not appreciating behaviours I see "out there" and knowing that it is something I do not like in myself.. I have been there, I have done that very same thing.. I have been that inconsiderate, irresponsible and I do not like that I've been there and try hard not to do it again. It's showing up in "the mirror" - in others and I get it.
How I respond to this is what I need to deal with. Speak my truth, how I feel... instead of holding it in, the mother influence. Silence.
Silence doesn't upset the "apple cart"... doesn't keep the peace. What it DOES do is make one sick. This silence that sits inside, festering, hurting speaks to us in our body.
Sore throats, laryngitis.. the body speaks.
We need to listen.
I need to break free from those chains, those old outworn behaviours.
Release it and let it go.. spin it out, send it out into the atmosphere - high into the sky.. shooting it into the sky like Saggitarius' arrows... gone.
New moon, I welcome you.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Being Open and Giving Thanks

I have grown so much this past year. It was a very challenging year and I'm in the belief that those are the times when we do grow.. if we stay open, we learn more.
And that has been one of my lessons, to stay open. Open to possibilities. Once resistance sets in, things become hard, irritating and the inner 2 year old tantrum wants to come out. So, instead, I have learned there is always light in something dark.
We live in a world of duality, the balance of life which brings us light and dark. One cannot be without the other, so therefore, I look for the blessings in the challenges..
I know you're somewhere...
Sometimes it takes a while to show up.. or in reality, it takes a while for me to find it.
Each new day, I pray to stay open and received it's blessings.
Finding new friendships, receiving help with out me having to ask (which I hate to do).
Knowing people are thinking of me when I've been so quiet.. Thanks Laura :-)

I am fully aware of all that I have to give thanks for. This new home we absolutely LOVE! Surrounded by so much beauty.. sunsets, moon rises.. autumn leaves and ART. My husbands art, my art, children's art.
I see where I was, which felt like the bottom of the wheel in April and May and it gently turned .. John's health improving, growing stronger, happier. Today he is in the hospital recovering from surgery.. I'm grateful he had gained his strength for this day. Grateful surgery went well and this one issue will be resolved for him. It is a good day. It is a day to give thanks for all of it, but also not to stop giving thanks.
It is a constant prayer. Thank you. Thank you.
I am here, in this game of life, and I am happily playing. One thing I know is that we all win. We all get a chance to play however we choose.
I choose to play the blessing piece, the piece that carries love openly, shares it, and is open to new blessings.
May you have an endless number of blessing...

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Chaos alert!

I think I need to start recording this with photos. There was a moment of chaos today, but I stopped and put some "stuff" in order and I felt better. I need to keep a handle on all this and not let it get out of control... and I can see that it can - very quickly!
More boxes packed today.. some photo albums, my portfolio, some art supplies.. but the day was cut up too much with other obligations.
tomorrow is another day. I drop John off at the hospital and will come home to work on the living room... behind the chair.. in the closet....oooooh, scary... haven't been in there in a very long time. My paintings are there and supplies. They've become so inaccessible that I cannot imagine the dust!
I've packed up some art work that other people have done from RR's. The metal project is one of my favorites, but art dolls and some other art journals too.
I put some clothes in a bag for goodwill or the thrift shop.. some books went to the library, but they won't take any more... lack of room.
I found some paint which is still good and I'll use for living room and dining room. Have the bedroom paint as well, but I am not sure about the art room.
This I really need to think about and of course that is the first room available for me to paint.
It's an east window... facing the back, and only one window.. it's also the "fame and reputation" center which calls for red but no way will I paint a room red... especially an art room.
I'll have to sleep on it and then visit the paint store tomorrow.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Today was the last day of camp and "coincidentally" the call came to say they would most likely be moved out by the 24th... which means we can pretty safely say we'll be moved in for Sept. 1.
The last two days have been good with everything coming together, flowing and moving toward a positive direction. Information coming to us that we had been waiting for.
Movement towards.
It is hard to wait.. wait for the next step, but it all has it's place.
Waiting teaches us patience but also teaches us to trust.
Trust the process. The timing of events happens in it's own course. Not my will, but Thine!
The ebb and flow of movement, like the phases of the moon. Sometimes it is time to wait, to rest, to plan... then to see the movement, the growth, just like watching the new moon waxing.
It teaches me. I learn to accept, to allow. I am more comfortable being the one to give, take care of but I am now receiving the help from others. Accept it. Allow the gifts, the help.. it is the greater ebb and flow.. I give. I receive. It is a blessing I am learning to accept graciously.
It is an odd role for me. "oh, no.. that's ok, I'll do it...." and why - why did I always feel I must carry on the weight with out asking for help. It is not a familiar role for me to ask anyone for help.. and now, I have not asked, but am being offered. That is why the feels more like a gift from the Universe.. special people, like angels - offering help in many forms.
I am grateful.
Tomorrow starts the serious packing. Knowing there is a better chance of this move occurring before the end of the month, I can get myself in gear. Motivation!
I am feeling very blessed.
Tomorrow, I work in the art room.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

view point

One of the reasons I like to mindlessly doodle in these circles, is to allow what ever comes up on the page, to speak to me.. me speaking to myself.
Higher Self to this everyday self who tries to keep it all together.
It also came out of me after I bought a brand new sketchbook and having a ridiculous argument with my husband. There are times I just lose it, get so frustrated with the issue of communicating that my tone of voice betrays me.
I cannot speak so I go to the mandala, the doodle or clean.
Like this "zendala", there are differing points of view. Once I finish, I like turning it around to see it from a different perspective - much easier to do on paper than in a relationship at times :-)
One view I see houses, on water -emotional waves, calm to stormy- underneath the stars... and with the heavens carrying on their own magic. That magic we tend to forget.
From a different perspective, those houses are the rays of the sun transforming life. From crawling, cocooning to spreading my wings.. buzzing through life.. trying to hold on too tightly until my inner self tells me to let go.. just let go!
Go have a picnic!
It's all a matter of perspective. I try not to slide back into the fear-zone, allow my eyes to see the magic in all of life, the spiritual awakening of each blessing.. that we live on the planet - in our bodies - which is just so totally amazing! Embrace the wonder of it.
That is the perspective I wish to stay with, not the small, frustrated "please listen to what I am saying" self that needs to be right. I do wish to be understood, but I also realize that package needs to come with patience.
I need to remember to turn the page and see with new eyes.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Being present with the process

While packing up the books.. choosing what to keep and what to release, I am for the most part being with the process. When I step back, look at the bigger picture, panic surfaces.. but I know it is a process, and I need to take it one step at a time.
I set free one bookcase this evening.
I got stuck on the stairway, and thankfully Patty came home and helped me getting to the garbage.
I did it.
Now boxes are stacked in it's place. I need more boxes so it's time to rest.
I feel good though. Some of the books are going to the children's center, and some I'm bringing to camp.
Once the books are done, which will take a while.. I'll start in with the art room.
I packed up a box of albums. Some of these I am not ready to part with and I'm not sure why. I feel they need a really good home if they are to leave.... either that or find a record player :-)
Some crappy albums I've used for art. Children collaged on them for a show and I've created mandalas on others. But there are some album covers that are art in themselves!
It is a baby step, but I am moving forward.
One book - a gem- is called A Lazy Man's Guide to Enlightenment and found it to be perfect timing for me to read it.
Love all of it. Love each moment and if you don't like where you are, love yourself for being in that state of mind... it's all about loving it. Loving yourself and loving that we are here for the journey.. I mean after all.. it's just a glorious journey of ups and downs.. and you just have to enjoy the ride for what it is. Even the sorrows, love that you can feel them.
So, that is my challenge. To Be Here Now.. enjoy it for what it is and not get so crazy about it.
Tomorrow, more boxes.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

A month to move

How can I make this fun and at the same time record, analyze this process and to be sure I keep my balance with all that is going on. I'll have to post some pictures during this mad process - but for now i need to just write.
I have lived here for 33 years.. same apartment.. small. Four rooms and pretty much packed with stuff ... art stuff and books take up most of the space.
Art stuff includes art supplies for myself, art supplies for the classes I teach and art work I have created - both mine and my husbands.
Being that it is a small space, I created shelving. Both beds were built by me and my husband. They are like decks and actually, that's where I got the idea from. My mom was having a deck built and I followed that same process. It's about 4 ft. high and worked really well for storage underneath. I followed it up by building one for Jake... only this time I tried doing it myself.. the impatient part of myself soon learned it wasn't the best idea, but I did it anyway.
Once Jake moved out, his bed became a table to work on and being that it was against the wall, it seemed reasonable that shelves would soon follow.. up to the ceiling... and of course, great storage underneath.
Besides the two beds, other shelves were built for books. Many, many books. John seems to think a good 60% of all our stuff is books and I think I may have to agree.. at least 60%.
And that's were I started.
Day one:
Packing books.
The Virgo rising part of me knew there would have to be some organizing I'd have to do with this.. sorting them into categories. This way art books can go into the art room, my astrology, yoga and spirituality books into the bedroom... I have two full (and heavy) boxes with just yoga books and there are probably enough to fill another box. Not sure what to do with all the yoga magazines yet.
Art books get divided into teaching children, art instruction, art/spirituality and there is a tower of them so far.
Novels are easy enough to let go of...not so much these other books.
I still have my first copy of Be Here Now by Ram Dass!
So, this is day one. The idea of today was to empty one bookcase in the bedroom and get rid of the book case which I built to make some room to stack these boxes.
What I keep in sight is how we will have more space in this new place, and that keeps me motivated. A new art room to set up....
and now - back to work.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

walk the path of love..

My path has become very cluttered. I feel a sense of overwhelm when I keep looking at everything that needs to be done... Not really feeling like doing any of it. It becomes too much.
What makes it worse is more keeps getting added to that which still needs to be done and well... it sure doesn't builds and builds and then...
I cry.
So I go to where I need to go. Pick one thing. What is the most immediate thing I think needs to get done first? You'd think that would make most sense...Doesn't always happen that way.
What needs to get done first is the attitude adjustment. I pick up a book and I get my answer.. how to deal with negative moods. I like what he says.. coincidence?
Then I get up and follow my instincts.. air conditioner is behaving badly so I need to move stuff out of the way. Sheesh. I realized how much I really need to clean, so I just do it. Don't think. Just do it. May need a new one..
It gets done... or at least the beginng of it. Now move forward one step at a time.
What can I do with love?
What will bring me the best feeling.. go there.
click and you'll see my laces have "love" on them.. it is a constant reminder that where ever I go and what ever I do, I will try to travel there with my heart filled with love.
Maybe I just need to sweat out all these toxic thoughts and attitudes :-)

Sunday, July 4, 2010

clouds illusions

While lying on my back on a very large tree stump, I watched clouds go by. It was mostly blue sky, and having the clouds come and give some relief of the suns rays was perfect.
Later on though, at the Esopus, I was taking pictures of some cool views beneath the water. What I hadn't noticed until later while looking at the images in the camera, were the clouds on the surface of the water. I noticed what looked like an animal walking upside down.
Well, I read messages in everything else - so why not the clouds as well :-)
Reminds me of Judy Collins singing about clouds illusions... I really don't know clouds at all.
I will take more time to though.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

When things shift

Things have become more stabilized here - a very good thing that I am deeply appreciative of. We took a walk to the Wainwright house last week. Our intention was to go to the beach, but it was closed off with a gate - something new and annoying. It bothers me that we are cut off from access to the water and when it is open, we have to pay to go there. How does Rye get to own the water?
But as chance would have it, a good and fortunate chance, we went to the Wainwright instead. A good choice as the sun came out and it was so peaceful there. I walked the labyrinth and John took a walk down to the water. Yes, access to the water for free.
Water is a healing element that is good for John.
We sat for awhile on a bench just taking it all in. One of the women working there came over to take some photos for the newsletter. Turns out she coordinates the art shows there and we will be bringing in our work to be considered for exhibiting.
It was a good day.

The labyrinth is created by hedges of lavender... smells so delightful.
Much of the chaos has shifted into a more ease and flow.
I have been slowly packing up books into catagories.
I picked up the violin to paint again yesterday, hoping to finish it and get it to my client soon so I can wrap things up before camp starts.
I am desiring to have this summer to be a simple as possible.
No new jobs to add to an already busy schedule.

Monday, May 3, 2010

web of life

I was half expecting a pause... a breathing space for a while, but life had other plans. With mercury Rx I guess it is a 'redo' of what had not been accomplished with John's last visit to the hospital.. We also figured he needed to take care of his mom's passing.. His mom passed away last month while he was in the hospital being treated for low sodium levels. His abdomen was filled with fluid and they "talked" about tapping him but didn't.
And now it is being dealt with. I can't stand stagnation! After his last visit to the hospital, he seemed to get worse, building more fluid in his abdomen. I didn't like the way he was moving around and worried about his breathing..
It was a good call on my part. They are doing an ultrasound this morning first and most likely will tap him, drain the fluid. They do it a little at a time.
Movement.... moving forward.
After the hospital, I went to my mom's and ate and filled them in on what was going on. I have been thinking more about what my brother had gone through with Kathi. I have even more compassion for him and what it must have felt like. I asked if he cried a lot. I do.
Yesterday I spent the morning crying and then said, "we need to go and deal with it!"
I tend to doubt myself with decisions like this and with J asking for $, I went over the edge. I'm not so sure why.. beside the fact that I let things build in me emotionally and then I burst open -opening the flood gates!
I chose this mandala because, like a spider web, we are all connected. At some point in every one's life, a person gets sick, someone loses a job, someone we love leaves this plane... When it happens to us and we know it, experience it, we can be compassionate towards others when it happens to them. We can go to others to see how they have dealt with it. There is a sense of family then.. wider than our own intimate family.. the family of earth widens.
My heart opens more to those who have been through tragic situations, feeling more compassion for them when I have had it happen to me... but I feel compassion expands in other ways as well.
Once compassion grows, expands outwards, it doesn't pens up more to others even if I haven't experienced what they are going through. Once your heart opens, it keeps opening until you decide to close it. It hurts when we keep it open too wide and we do tend to close down for self protection... going deeper within the web rather than on the outside circumference.
I see myself going in and out of it, and for most of my life, I stayed more toward the center. As I get older, I see myself moving out towards the edge, pulling back in every so often.
I don't wear my heart on my sleeve and tend to be a more private person. I become amazed at others deep expression and how open they can be and then I gather in that same courage. I then am able to let more of myself out.. move more towards the edge.
We all need one another. It is a web of life and we are all connected. We cannot live this life with passion by removing ourselves from it's sorrows, afraid of the pain, turning in on our self... but rather find comfort in others, compassion.. giving and receiving it.
Breathing in and breathing out... a deep breath.. breathe in life.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Drinking it in

It is nature that I learn the most from. Life can throw lots of stuff at us and we can easily get caught up in it. It has been a bit of a whirlwind and now the dust has settled and I took some time for myself today. There was nothing pressing that I HAD to do, so I gave myself the gift of time... took my camera and went for a walk.
I took in the beauty that surrounded me. We seem to be about a month ahead on the blossoming of things. Usually, the lilacs come out for mother's day, but not this year... it's all out.
I leisurely took my time, photographing what caught my eye until I got to my destination.. mom's house. She has a lilac bush out front, so we sat on the porch and chatted.
Just as we were about to go in, we had a visit.
Mom pointed out the butterfly and I snapped away... thank you butterfly for your message.
Drink in the nectar of life. Drink it in now. Don't wait.
Drink it in deeply.
thank you.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Which direction..

I titled this "looking for direction". It is my "process" of moving.. where to move to.
Direction plays a large part. Which window faces east.. north..
Yesterday, this is one of the things I paid attention to as I took a look at an apartment.
Where will the studio be... will the sun shine on me in the a.m.
I have lived in one place for 33 years!
We have a lot of stuff.. some will come with us and a lot of it will not. Much of it will have to be disassembled.
I built our bed.. high off the ground like a loft bed. I made one for Jake too, which became my art table when he moved out.... with shelves built up to the ceiling. Storage under the bed-turned-table.
Jake built me another table with shelves above it for my paints. I built more shelves against another wall.. as I did in the living room. One wall of shelving for our books. Even in the kitchen I built shelves and cabinets. Everything made to fit!
If I took apart these pieces, I would have a LOT of wood and not much in the way of furniture.
There is something to say about starting from scratch. A certain excitment of starting over, doing things differently... having more experience of what works and what doesn't.
And yet, there is also that sentimental side... missing already the work I have done... painted ceilings and walls.. painted how I chose. Not a white wall in sight.
I am a bit concerned about moving somewhere else and having restrictions on this... I need to express myself in my surrounding.. I need a creative environment. I need to paint walls!
Every place I have lived.. ok, not a lot in that department.. but the places I did live in were covered with my art.
It's one of those things where I can be very rooted -as in staying in a place for a length of time... but please give me the wings I need to fly around and be creative... keeping my fingers crossed on this one.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Go There

I have missed blogging. My computer had a virus and I brought it in to the most wonderful computer guys to fix it and now I have my blogs back.
It gave me time to do other things though. I did more journaling and cleaning up.
I discover things when I clean. I focused on my meditation space which I allowed to get cluttered.
When I clean the clutter, dust off the books and objects, I feel as though I am clearing my own energy, my spirit surfacing through the debris... I open up the path to spirit - to my inner sanctuary - removing obstacles, illusions that made me take a detour.
I wandered off in another direction and got a bit lost.
Maybe that is what we need now and then... a detour.
Detours that take you down new roads show us our habits.. some not so good. We need to change the view so we don't become stagnant.
Sometimes it shows us what we have and how good it really is... "Stop comparing and being judgemental."
Those detours can show us we need to travel more lightly, to unload that which we don't really need but carry out of habit or conformity.. someone else's junk.
Maybe the detours are there for a rest... like a vacation. "Stop pushing so hard and let events unfold in their own time."
We take notice more on a detour. We no longer drive down a road we've driven down ten thousand times and no longer see what is around us.
We notice trees, new homes, a rabbit or hawk... our senses perk up. We take that back with us, hold on to it a bit longer.. fresh eyes.
Now we notice something new on the original path.
Now we feel much lighter.
Now the path is clearer and we can move freer, lighter, more observant.
Now I can take the high road.